Chapter 25 - Marina asks the question I hate
Marina and I met at Leo’s school after a parent conference.
He was doing well.
Teacher noted:
More questions about fairness.
Some anxiety when classroom reward systems used “points.”
No severe behavioral problem.
Dr. Lin helping.
Then Marina said:
“Can I ask you something without you getting defensive?”
“Probably not, but ask.”
She almost smiled.
“Do you think Helena would have done this if she wasn’t living inside your world?”
“What does that mean?”
“She thought rules were yours to bend.”
“I called police.”
“After.”
There.
“She used your garage because everyone assumed your house was beyond normal oversight.”
“I didn’t tell her to.”
“I know.”
“She used my name.”
“I know.”
“Then what are you asking?”
Marina looked at me.
“Whether you understand Leo is growing up watching people become afraid before you say anything.”
I looked away.
The school parking lot was full of minivans.
Normal parents.
Normal pickups.
I arrived with one security vehicle fifty yards back.
“Do you want me to give up protection?”
“No.”
“Then?”
“I want him to know fear is not the same as respect.”
I hated how simple that sounded.
Then:
“The tattoo?”
She knew.
Of course.
“You still have it.”
“Yes.”
“Leo asked me what it means.”
“What did you say?”
“That it belonged to people you grew up around.”
“Good.”
“He asked whether you hurt people.”
I said nothing.
Marina continued:
“I told him that was a question for you.”
Fair.
That evening Leo asked.
“Dad, did your bird mean bad guys?”
“It meant loyalty to a group of people.”
“Were they bad?”
“Some did bad things.”
“You?”
I could have hidden behind age.
Legality.
No convictions.
Instead:
“I helped people who scared others. I benefited from things I should have questioned. I also hurt people when I was younger.”
“Did you kill anybody?”
“No.”
That answer was true.
“Did you hit people?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I thought being feared solved problems.”
“Did it?”
“For a while.”
“And then?”
“It created new ones.”
Leo thought.
Then:
“Like Helena?”
“Yes.”
He leaned back against couch.
“So the bird is a warning?”
I had never thought of it that way.
“Maybe now.”
May you like
He smiled.
That was the first time the wing stopped feeling like a badge.
