Chapter 15 - Rowan’s Responsibility
People wanted to excuse Rowan because she was dead.
I refused.
Not cruelly.
Accurately.
She knew Garrett was biological father.
She knew my mother knew.
She knew Garrett’s family included Dana and Owen.
She chose silence for years.
Why?
Partly because I said I did not want to know.
Partly because she feared losing me.
Partly because she believed revealing Garrett would destroy two households.
Partly because once a secret survives one year, the second year becomes easier to justify.
She was not malicious.
Still wrong.
At therapy I said:
“I feel angry at her.”
Dr. Morris said:
“You can be.”
“I loved her.”
“Both.”
“She planned to tell me.”
“Yes.”
“She didn’t.”
“Yes.”
I found one more unsent email in her laptop archive.
To me.
Draft.
Subject:
Something I owe you.
Bram,
You told me years ago you did not want his name. I used that as permission longer than I should have. The name matters because it is someone you trust. I need to tell you.
Draft date:
Nine days before she died.
No name in body.
Again.
She was close.
Still did not send.
I preserved it.
Not as absolution.
Evidence of intention.
Sorrel did not need it at six.
Maybe later.
The dead cannot repair.
The living decide how much complexity to carry.
I stopped calling Rowan:
“perfect Mom”
around Sorrel.
Not because I wanted him to know her failure now.
Because children eventually discover adults were human.
Better not build statues first.
I told him:
“Mom loved you very much.”
True.
May you like
Nothing more needed yet.
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